“The Secrets Men Keep” Authored by Robert Standish Here lies the body of Cameron Matheson. On any other day a young man lying in a field on a beautiful summer afternoon as the warm breeze gently manipulates the tall grass and wild flowers would be a relaxing and inviting way to enjoy some personal solitude; however, this serenity is gravely misleading. Each labored breath is a decision; a decision to survive; fight to live, or give into the forces that brought him here to this moment of his mortality, and surrender to death. Lying there imprisoned in a Jello suit of his own blood, there is no pain, no pressure or recollection of the tragic event Cameron finds himself in, time has stopped. Life still runs at regular speed for everyone except him. Images flash like flipping through the photo album of his life, so many experiences, so many unrealized dreams. Cameron may be approaching his final mortal memory- the last one is the only one you can never keep. In this defining moment; truth is all that’s left once all hope is gone. True equality only exists in death. There is still so much to do, so much to fix, so much, to change, if there is a choice it will be to live; for now. Cameron takes that next breath, remerges from the other side determined and driven like never before, so many to help and so many will be hurt. A force of change, creativity, and innovation supported by Rabbie, he will take over a world they build, and re-invents himself in ways that will change everything and everyone around him forever as he reveals the “Secrets Men Keep”.
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…”do you want to know my secrets”?...
My name is Cameron, Cameron Matheson, 38. I am married and have two kids (Sam and Katrina) and live a relatively normal existence (sadly). I have surrendered(quilted away) most of my hobbies and outside interests as all parents do and have not been intimate with my wife on a regular basis for years, seems that she has a problem with marital sex . I stand at the ready to accommodate the requested needs of those around me, before the needs of my own. As I have said relatively normal.
The though is broken only by the unique sound of the old track rescue FZR 1000as it fires to life and rips into the peaceful suburban neighborhood. The aftermarket pipes tell the story of how this engine after severe modifications promises to triple the speed limit of any road.
My boss is like most, un- communicative, unsupportive and under qualified which means my job is stressful and unrewarding, I have no idea why I continue to do things that I hate and bring no joy or make me a better person. but I refuse to give up hope that there is still so much more out there, but see nothing but road blocks ahead.
Because, because lots of shit, because getting ready to head out on the bike has rituals and a process like rewarding foreplay. With the power on, ear buds in, pick shuffle so it’s always a surprise, next is the helmet, gloves and then do up your jacket if you think you need one otherwise it is a T shirt not tucked in so it rides up with acceleration. Before you crack the sky with the throttle out of first you tuck your baseball hat in the back of your pants because your hair will look like shit when you take off the helmet (Lost a lot of great fuckin hats that way- never learn) This old bike is still hungry to destroy every road it touches but on challenging switchback , shows it's age, well so do I as I throw this thing deep into the corners to get the best out of the rear 190 (The best grip is at the edge). Riding for me is like therapy and speed is how I get more therapy at a ridiculously faster rate and alone on the bike I can think...
There is always so much to think about and my thoughts race from concept to concept faster than I can travel. I often think about how we over engineer the planet beyond its ability to support the people we have and then wonder why there is no food to feed them. Greed and money separate the classes sure and they also create the policies that conspire against themselves to further our concussion so that no end is up and we are forced to stop looking. Next song, new though, as I burn through the remains of ancient civilizations and the exit through the exhaust I throw in the faces of everyone I pass we all speed to the future on obsolete technology to better serve the ones truly in power. I may be riding really fast but still feel like the ass I must look like as I lane split snapping my bike from lane to lane. I must be the only one out here having this much fun.
I think about my kids and how unrealistic our expectations can be. We expect them to be truthful and behave and the truth is they would if they were never tough to lie and deceive but they are . We do it and punish them for it. By the way we interact with children we show them that deception is fun and entertaining (Peek a Boo - is a lie) we plant the seeds that the where is Daddy as we cover our face and play stupid magic trick on them cements the foundation they were given and we wonder why we have issues later on in life (Extreme but true).
I also think about what I am doing right now, riding along as I have done for years, but the difference is is you ride without a destination then my speed stays closer to the posted number, add a destination and it suddenly becomes a quest with consequences for being late and my speed increases. It is strange but true, I am heading for a relaxing day with no stress to do all the things I enjoy in an effort to make me a better person for the people I live with and here I am feeling like it is mandatory and place a deadline on my arrival.
I think about the music and sometimes allow it to control my speed, as I sing out loud in my helmet. Every part of life would be better with a sound track,- greatest hits of all your favorites. I can take some time to think about what others are doing and about how I feel about who I am and how I got to where I am right now. Today is a good day, I have called in sick- I never get sick- I am free of responsibility and I can have a top gun Tom Cruise moment all to myself. I can rationalize my guilt in any number of ways but never escape it, I get revenge on myself by realizing how great I have not become and could disappear in the smallest of crowds. This is the time I reflect on thing I could have done and should have done. This is also a good time to make plans and promises to yourself that you will never keep.
Looking far ahead of me there is nothing but open road and the distance disappears effortlessly under the speeding wheels and the bike has never sounded or run smoother. The temperature is perfect (A little too warm, I would never wear a jacket on a day this warm but because I am carrying my tank bag , and camera gear I wore it just in case). Riding the bike is like most things I have tried over the years and regardless I have never allowed myself to be great at anything, just good at a lot of things. It is a struggle to keep yourself average at everything, patient, reliable and at the disposal of others.
Today for all intense purposes is normal, the way from the way I feel to every thought in my head, normal, I am in no rush at all and can see that the next exit is mine, so now is a good time to slow down and make a move over to the proper lane and get ready for the next part of this adventure. Once I am off the high way, it’s a short ride through country roads to the air field and what is sure to be an great afternoon flying around taking photos with friends. This exit is a great one it has a tight turn that you can really lean into (Love it).
I never saw it....maybe I did , but it would have been a flash...I felt a push....who pushed me.... This was such a normal day. (they all are until the end)
What isn’t normal is my story. It begins at the end; or what should have been the end is that strange? I relate this story in the moment of my impending death and tell you of a life that takes a dramatic series of turns. I am not speaking out of turn but of the primeval places that live in the hearts of all men that are often never explored or spoken of. A story of self-inflicted haunting that unleashes the darkest part of any soul that has ever taken a breath and beyond. I hope to teach you the value of every breath. I have finally stopped asking WHY.
A Lie is only a Lie once the Truth is revealed...
Do you still want to know my secrets?